B - Bliss

B

Bliss

Did you ever have an inappropriate crush? A work colleague, somebody’s boy/girl friend, a teacher ? Do you see yourself at that party where you are a bit over-excited, you feel a momentum and you kiss him/her before walking away, horrified by your initiative ? I would like to talk about the following days, when you meet the person at work, at a brunch between friends or at school. You avoid eye contact, you over do that laid-back attitude, you put all your hopes on denial. But you inevitably wait for a sign.

Diapers did not move from their shelf, the pack slowly diminishing. I looked away, I feigned to be casual, I relied on denial. When she was home, my sister’s diaper could ostensibly show out of her pants. She also had the habit of slumping legs up on the bedroom’s carpet or on the couch even when she was wearing a skirt. She could as well have rubbed her diaper directly on my face ! I was walling myself up into silence and becoming irritable.

It was Sunday night. The whole weekend had been bothersome and the upcoming week of school promised to be the same. I spent part of the evening doing my homeworks on the living room's table while my sister was reading a horror-fantasy book leaning against the couch, right leg folded on the left one. Full view on her diaper.
I went upstairs to take a shower, brooding over the fable of Jean de la Fontaine I had to know by heart for the day after. I dried myself turning my back to the pink pack in the most detached way possible. While I slipped on the pants of my pyjama, I paused. One second. Two. Three. Guts in knots. I threw the outfit on the ground in an almost theatrical manner. I put the little plastic step in front of the shelves and I caught a diaper as if it was rightfully mine. Facing so much determination, the diaper did not think about protesting.

I opened it. Suddenly feeling less self assured, I put my feet in the holes and pulled it up with precaution. The elastic upper part that hardly ended up my hips was squeezing me and my thighs forced on the openings. One could not say that they were comfortable but I would not take it off for the world. The enveloping sensation was disorienting. I groped at it. The rough sensation that surprised me the first time now felt dulcet, just like a lion that becomes tamed. The sound now joined the touch : an unusual vibration that was maybe awakening some subconscious memories. I felt soothed. 

Highly determined to keep it for the night, I wore my pyjama pants on top of it and I dove directly under my duvet. My sister and I shared a bedroom for years. We had loft beds and I used to sleep in the upper one. When she entered the room that night, she asked if she could take my CD player before sleeping. I normally would have negotiated pretty much harder for such a loan but I wanted her to bed down as soon as possible so I agreed hastily. She went to the bathroom and came back diapered on as well. The idea that we were going to spend the night one on top of the other wearing the same diaper made me smile.

My mother came to kiss us goodnight.

“You went to bed early”, she noticed.

I was anxious she would find out what I had done, but she only padded me on the head and left the room turning off the light. My sister always fell asleep quickly and this time was no exception. As soon as I heard her respiration gone deeper, I started massaging the diaper from under the duvet. I stayed awake the good part of an hour enjoying the sensations before slowly falling asleep. It was the best night of my life.

Did you ever have an inappropriate crush ? Even if we act as if we were indifferent, we inevitably wait for a sign. That first night in diaper was the point when the vaunted crush tells you that he/she is besotted with you too. Stars align, we feel wings growing, barriers are falling and open up to new sunny paths ; a moment of utter bliss.